The internet doesn’t need any more obvious content about how small and adorable and irresistible baby clothes are, or how they are 90% unnecessary, or a transcript of my inner thoughts yesterday as I found myself breathing heavily behind my mask and panicking with excitement in the baby clothes section at Target. (It being my FIRST ACTUAL TIME physically shopping for baby clothes, Joe is LUCKY I only came home with one tiny Newsies hat and ONE pair of Pajamas.) Instead of saying what’s already been said, I would like to present a conspiracy theory. Baby clothes seem to be arbitrarily labeled with sizes, Newborn and 3 months and 0 and 3 to 6 Months, etc. But one three month thing is the size of a legal pad and the next three month thing is the size of an envelope. And also: they’re ALWAYS too small, and so the baby is ALWAYS wearing a size larger than its actual age, ie, the baby is ALWAYS exceptional, bigger and greater than others. The parent can announce, he’s already wearing size six month clothes, which encourages what every parent already feels: like their kid is exceptional, the most Growing, and the healthiest, and will definitely grow up to fly planes and fix Cancer. The sizes aren’t arbitrary, they’re designed to affirm the parents’ feeling that their kid is advanced, and since the kid is growing faster and better than all other kids, it’s FINE that the parent hasn’t had a real night’s sleep in months, because the kid exceeds all other babies, is already wearing Nine months size and is seeing Colors already, and probably thinking critically too and learning to read in his sleep, and will surely grow to do great things, so it’s best to keep on Growing them, to put them in the Teddy Bear Dinosaur Speakeasy Christmas Bartender Costume-Pajamas, and watch them Grow.

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