I can’t seem to find a single kind of meditation that actually quiets my thoughts, but I’m determined to find one. Yesterday I attempted a five minute guided ‘color meditation’ in hopes of calming my soul and brain so that I might NOT hallucinate earthquakes in the middle of the night, which keeps happening, which is fun! With a color meditation, you imagine a color, breathe the color in and let it get brighter, breathe the color out and it gets deeper, ARE YOU CALM YET? I closed my eyes and chose a color which was immediately Butter. Which is not a color, but a taste. So I then sat there, squeezing my eyes until butter appeared, which it never did, because who can see a color in their mind’s eye? All I could see was the black gray buzz of the insides of my eyelids. Frantically realizing that my five minutes of Calm were ticking by and I had yet to Calm, I searched for another color and quickly landed on Forest Green, my favorite crayon growing up. I still couldn’t see the color, so instead I imagined searching through an old box of crayons, like a giant 64 pack where half are worn down to nubs, searching for the Forest Green. I found it, and colored in the top of a big spare cartoon tree, and suddenly, I was almost sort of Calm. I think I might actually meditate by accomplishing or doing. So Am I meditating when I cross ‘finish list’ off of a list or clock that we are approximately two weeks away from being out of trashbags and make both a physical and mental note that we need more? Maybe am I meditating when I put Joseph on a pre-school waitlist before he can even hold his own head up or roll t-shirts up like swiss rolls and arrange them by color or make a list of what spices are in the spice cabinet so that one does not have to search through the spices to know if we have cardamom? AM I ACTUALLY ALREADY THE MOST CALM? (NO) (CUE THE EARTHQUAKING IN A WAY ONLY I CAN FEEL)