I have officially acquired a Master’s Degree in Lactation from the University of Google And that one Lactation Consultant I think I met in the Hospital, or what she a Dream? It’s an incredibly easy program to get into, no admissions essay needed, just have a baby, cry, type HOW TO FEED BABY? into internet, and Learn. As a Master, I can require that We (lactation industry professionals) come up with another word for when you pump milk from your own breasts than EXPRESSION, ie, ‘I’m going to go express some milk in the car right now.’ COULD THERE BE A WORSE WORD? Also as a Master, I must submit my Thesis, which can be just a paragraph. Mine is on non-nutritive sucking, which is when a baby sucks at his mother’s nipple for comfort, not for milk. Thesis: Do we not feed on things that don’t feed us not just as babies, but for our entire lives? Couldn’t one call anything more than a single glass of wine or falling in love with assholes or watching MANY episodes of Married at First Sight or simply just Skittles just Sucking, but not for Nutrients? So when I left my house for socializing for the first time in many months the other night, avoiding the debate and the state of the world, and saw that there was a special on Rose and Fries and I shouted at the waiter through my mask, I WILL HAVE FOUR OF THE SPECIALS, was I not just latched at the Teet of the world, sucking, gaining nothing at all? IS LIFE JUST 90 PERCENT ONE LONG NON-NUTRITIVE SUCK?