One of the absolute WORST things about having a best friend who’s studying to be a nutrition coach (I see u Blaine) is that you learn things you don’t want to know, like the fact alcohol is technically a poison, so when you drink, your body is like, AHH! POISON! and processes / digests it first, thus slowing down your digestion. It also dehydrates you to the point that your body thinks you’re literally living in a drought, so it panics and retains water. So when you, say, have two glasses of wine like basically every night of your life, you’re slowly and elegantly poisoning yourself and dying of thirst. So I’m attempting, ATTEMPTING to reserve these bodily crises for say, just the weekends. But it can still be a Happy Hour. Five minutes of watching Joe scream AHHHHHHHHHHH at the balls in the backyard, I’m unwound, I’m drunk on his voice, I’m hydrated and well, and the only poison is the soot from the Highway, gathering silently on our deck, BUT AT LEAST I’M NOT DRINKING IT ON PURPOSE.