I’ve been venturing out of the house more and more, even went up to Ojai for a night to finish a rewrite (THANK YOU MORRISON.) While there, TWO DIFFERENT WOMEN on TWO DIFFERENT DAYS asked me if I was pregnant. In like a sweet, wanting to connect sort of way, but still. I admit I still carry a five month pregnant stagnant lump on my front part, and maybe it’s time to confront it. Shave it? Freeze it off. Stop eating everything in front of me? I did burn about 9 million calories doing the emotional work of making the women feel better when I told them I wasn’t pregnant, but still, I feel like it’s time to do something. So I’ve laid out this intricate diet and exercise plan, which I’m committed to starting TODAY:

1 . NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE AGAIN