not lost on me

October is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, and it’s not lost on me that this time last year, we’d just had our second failed IVF transfer and I screamed in a parking lot then spent seventy dollars on 2-for-1 one bricks of Grapefruit White Claw, and the October before that, we put on wrestling costumes and felt the deep emptiness of our house and waited for Kids to show up, and only three did, the neighbors, and we gave them whole candy bars because we wanted to be that House, but THIS October, I was up at 4:30 with a small person whose nose looks like Mine from the side, and Morrison’s from the front, and I dress him in a white tux my Mom sent that makes him look like he runs a Megachurch for angel babies, babies lost, and he gears up to start his sermon but it’s just spit up, shot out of the side of his mouth like tobacco juice, and the white just blends back in with the white and I’m so grateful for him. My prayer slash mantra slash mental tick these days is let it never, ever be Lost on me, like it’s a sticker that comes off in the wash, and if I lose if even for a second, may I find it, put it back On.

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