THIS (SORT OF) JUST IN:

Dear normal sized human women,  which is to say most of the women that I know: I have come full circle and back to  modesty. No more must we shove ourselves  into tiny two piece bathing suits with bottoms like sandwich bags with leg holes and pretend that because we did squats once we are worthy of wearing them! Guess who has a bikini body? Barely any real people. And yet we waste valuable time and brain space trying to obtain one, and still end up looking like a popped tube of grands biscuits. FEAR NOT:  ONE PIECE BATHING SUITS ARE NOW A THING, AND THEY ARE AMAZING.

I guess they’ve always been a thing. But now they are very much In. And: they fit your body. They in fact sort of accentuate your body. Which is to say, we all stand a fair chance of actually looking good in one. Join me, sisters, in the Target dressing room, where we will  rejoice at the site of ourselves in a suit that does NOT make us weep!  Cursed be the day when someone person decided to saw the bathing suit in two!  LET US EMBRACE WHAT ONCE WAS!

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