My Fellow Americans! On this sacred day, 239 years since the thirteen colonies claimed independence from England: LET US CLAIM OUR INDEPENDENCE AT BREAKFAST. Screw you, Kashi cereal and egg white omelette! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, INDIA? THIS IS AMERICA! Count your blessings, that there are Grocery stores, that you have Walls, that there is sugar, that there are pancakes!  Let us eat Bisquick! Let us Shake n Pour pancakes,  stuff them full of  blueberries and strawberries sprayed with growth hormones and dye! Let us douse the whole affair in Cool Whip, whose main ingredients include high fructose corn syrup and patriotism! ASK NOT WHAT YOUR BREAKFAST CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK WHY YOU ARE ALREADY TIRED AND IT’S ONLY JUST AFTER BREAKFAST OKAY SO TAKE A NAP

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