I got my first ever (legit professional) massage today, in the hopes of getting my glute injury worked out. Surely, drunken ex-boyfriends have stabbed at my shoulders before with their hands as they fell asleep, but this was the REAL THING. I had a lot of feelings / thoughts / thought feelings as the nice lady body slammed herself elbow first into my butt:

– WHY. WHY IS SHE DOING THAT. SHE’S GOING TO CAUSE INTERNAL BLEEDING

– HAHAH SHE’S TOUCHING MY BUTT IN A VERY AGGRESSIVE MANOR

– THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED AND HOW IS THERE NOTHING BUT WORLD PEACE?