Today, in my Fantasy Life

Loretta Lynn just announced that a musical production of Coal Miner’s Daughter is going to the B’way, starring Zooey Deschanel. I am totally going to throw my hat into the ring to write the book, which is a total long shot, especially because Diablo Cody is probably already writing it or some other famous writer girlperson.

But still, Loretta, I know you’re reading this, can I just say: Woman, if you wanna keep that arm, you better get it off my husband! / Who’re you tellin what? / I don’t know who you are, but I know what you are. Can I also just say that I could write the CRAP out of your devotion to Dolittle,  and when Patsy dies in the plane crash they will literally just start throwing Tonys onto the stage. I don’t really know what Tonys look like or how laypeople can access them, but this will happen. Lastly, if you’ve already hired Diablo, I will fight her.

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