Hidden Valley Ranch has been running this really creepy commercial: a county fair at which all of the food is vegetables, and children eat and love all of it, as it is bathed in buckets of Ranch. Right? No. NO. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ranch. Oh My. I love it so so much (again: my Dad and I, related) and I would put it on everything and maybe even wash my hair with it a little bit if I could but it is SO BAD FOR YOU! You might as well rub a funnel cake on your face. I tend to rarely get ‘THIS IS WHAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICA’ but it’s time like this (and also mid-toaster streudel commercials) when my inner fat kid becomes ENRAGED.

Also mmmmm. Ranch.