my ladies.

In light of my recent melancholy/angst, and fueled by the strangely empowering women/theater event I attended last night, I feel called upon to highlight the lovely, accountable, talented, pretty ladies I am honored to have in my life. Or at least the ones I have pictures of.

Gay, gay gay gay.

Okay. First up: I have to mention Charlotte St. Julien Patton, my longest standing friend ever, whom I can’t find a picture of. Julien and I met as ‘neighbors’ if you will  in like sixth grade? We then, together, as an unstoppable force, attending St. John’s Lutheran middle school together, then high school. Couldn’t have survived either without her. One can count on Julien to always find better things than you at goodwill, have the cutest goddamn blog ever, to tell you specific and horrible and wonderful things about her sex life, and to always remember to call.

Second: Ma mere, or as close friends (of mine) like to call her – ‘Jodie.’ Cause well, that’s her name and stuff. Here is she donning a bib in preperation of strategic lobster consumption. She is so stinking pretty. Sorry about the sideways. I do not feel like fixing it. Eeee.


And then, here she is at Christmas time. Patiently perched next to her is a version of “Tanner.” Tanner was the yellow lab we had for a good 15 years. We had to put him to sleep a few years ago. He was my Mom’s best friend, through and through, and she still misses him terribly. So for Christmas last year – my Dad got her a stone cast replacement. Fake Tanner has become a butt of regular retarded jokes, like SIT, Tanner. SIT. And he, being made of some sort of sand, complies.



And here’s Ms. Carrie Cottingham – and my side boob. Ms. Carolyn Cottingham (Cott or Forest of Nottingham to me) and I met in college. She was a year younger than me, but I never noticed, cause she is just so stinking cool. She was the ‘actor’ to my ‘writer.’ On time, I made her be ‘gay’ with our friend Blaine in a play I wrote for them, duely titled ‘Happen,’ in which nothing happen, sides their gayness. Confident, beautiful, wise, and level-headed, Ms. Cott’s skills range from the BEST DAMN kareoke you ever did hear, to homemade apple pies, to the spending of large amounts of funds on soft sweaters. This girl can dress her self and bar tend like a pro. Cott moved to NYC a year ago, and we were roomies for a year. Now, she has taken her confidence/pretty/wisdom down to Charleston, SC for – dun dun DUN – LAW SKOO. Go Cott Go. So proud.

And then there’s Ms. Blaine Barbee. I call her The Barbeque. And she likes it. She is pictured below (L.) with Ms. Cott. Also a college friend. When I first met Blaine, I loathed her from afar for her beauty and talent as an actress. Then, as I got to know her, her retarded amounts of infectious qualities ranging from charming burps and little dances to strange nuances and yoga skills won me over. I F ing love this girl. When I moved away for Grad School, Blaine stayed in Chapel Hill. She studied Yoga and got her teacher’s certification in Thailland. She then got her Master’s in ESL teaching at UNC – she now lives with her super tall super nice boyfriend, Jason, and their dog, Edie, in Carrboro. Damnit. I like her.

It also must be mentioned here that when, Cott Barbee and I were just shy of 21 – we piled into my civic and drove from NC to CA and back. What? What even? I don’t even know. We did that.

Okay, next up, from L to Right: Iceland, Amalia, and E. Oh, and then my face.


I met Iceland (Maggie) in my first year at the New School. She’s amazing actor and dancer. From – like – Iceland. She fills my ‘ethnic diversity’ friend card, which makes me sleep better at night. Also, she is so understanding/sympathetic/ out of her goddamn mind, which I really look for in a lady friend.

Then, Amalia (Amy.) Amy was a writer with me at school. Dudes, seriously, some boot straps were pulled as we trudged through the last three years. I couldn’t have done it with our her. This pretty little bitch hails from Texas, reads Harry Potter with the best of them, is the gd SWEETEST person you will EVER meet, has really cute ears, is patient, and shares her snacks with me. She’s an amazing writer, esp. television. Her eye for action and story is uncanny – all this out of a sweet lil Texas baby. I like her. A lot. She remains in NYC, residing in Sunnyside Park with her bf, Colin. She now works at a receptionist at a crazy upscale preschool where Famous People Babies go to Learn Things.

Then E. (Erin McCarson.) Here she is below, again. I made that cake, bitches. I bring the cakes. E and I met first year of college. She hails from Yadkinville, NC, where there were, and are, large cows in her very backyard. E and I studied theater together, and performed general acts of stupid debauchery, all through college. She then made the move to NYC same time I did. She is not only an actor/commedian, but also a stellar nanny, hairdresser, photographer, make-up artist, and generally wonderful person to have in one’s life. She got arrested last year for not wearing pants. She works now as a nanny for 7 year Kate, who lives next door to Whoopi Goldberg.



Last in this friend installment of wenches is Elizabeth Castoria, or ‘Becky’ or ‘The Bud.’ Now – Buddy’s actual name is Elizabeth – but for SOME reason – when we met in the horrendous dorm first day of Grad School, she decided to start going by ‘Becky.’ Hmm. Stalk me much? Back off, Castoria. OFF. I stinking love this girl. Sometimes, she lies on the floor and laughs. Why not? We bonded serious amounts of bonding the first few months at New School (she studying fiction.) After a couple months in the crap ass dorm, we said F this in the B and got an apartment together on Christopher Street – a love nest, if you will. There we resided together in peaceful harmony for over a year. It was stupidly gay and amazing and involved joint spinning classes, pumpkin bread and homemade soup and making fun of stupid looking babies on TV. I miss her so much. Her program ended a year earlier than mine, so she high-tailed it to Rhode Island to live with her boyfriend, TJ, who is an amazing photo-journalist. She now lives in San Francisco where she just got promoted to like Associate Editor or some crazy crap of Veg News. Go Buddy. Go. I miss you.

Dudes. More to come. My heart swells with same sex affection for all of you. Thank you.

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