People, this is a little thing I like to call ‘food journalism.’ Watch and observe.
I don’t like sun dried tomatoes. I do not appreciate the bittersweet grime it adds to the innocent sandwich, nor do I appreciate its texture,which is similar, I imagine, to what it is like to bite off someone else’s tongue and slowly chew it.
I do not appreciate the fact that it just molested, nay, ruined, the over-priced wrap I purchased while running from airport to home to ponytail to change of clothes to train to work. I am not pleased with the things that it did to the Honey Roasted Turkey and Brie, wrapped up in there, tight, so delicious and innocent. Yes. I called my sandwich tight.
Tight things are awesome, including up do’s on sweaty days, grandma dresses that somehow Come Back and are paired with gladiator sandals, vaginas, um, ace bandages, Phat Beats, and Oxygen masks around the heads of small children on plummeting planes.
Anywhoo. My wrap and I also protesteth the presence of the roasted red pepper, which even further ruined the experience. As I shoved the thing down on the G train, I was not happy to find half-way through one of these slippery little guys mercilessly trapped between the folds of the soft wheat. Because here’s the thing with the Roasted Red Pepper: if you know it’s coming, if you know it’s there, it’s not so bad. You prepare yourself for the slime guaranteed to slide down your throat. But if it arrives unannounced: Ew. Similar to, I would imagine, the experience of eating, or Oral Sex With, a Slug who eats Too Much Olive Oil.
Other offensive Wegetables include black olives, green olives, olives filled with weird stuff, every olive in the world, frozen peas, mushrooms, mushrooms fried with stuff, mushrooms crammed full of green stuff, big mushrooms that disguise themselves as sandwiches and entrees, little mushrooms with faces that destroy your take out thai, and Lima Beans.
To defend the honor of your favorite Wegetable, please leave a comment/plea.
This is where I say, ‘that’s a WRAP,’ and you chuckle, and I chuckle, and in a way, wherever you are, and wherever I am, we are chuckling together. It is our way of staying friends.
Note/Disclaimer: To read ACTUAL good food journalism, please read the work of the lovely ms. Elizabeth Castoria, whose amazing weekly food column can be found here:
Read it. It’s great.