I’m taking a break through the holidays from worrying and obsessing about getting pregnant, or at least this is what I’m telling myself, if not shouting at myself. It mostly involves frantic compartmentalization, which makes me very fun at parties. I was at a Christmas party this other night, and a lovely woman who I know socially but not super well, arrived, and my brain immediately did this, in quick succession:

• There is a new round glow to her face
• Why is she wearing a baggy sweater
• IS THAT A SLIGHT BULGE I SEE BENEATH HER SWEATER
• IT IS, IT IS A BULGE
• THIS BITCH IS PREGNANT
• THE ENEMY IS UPON US
• RUN BEKAH RUN
• RUN TOWARDS THE NEAREST EXIT
• DON’T START CRYING UNTIL YOU REACH YOUR CAR
• DON’T LET ANYONE SEE IN YOUR EYES EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED
• PRETEND NONE OF IT HAPPENED
• RESTORE RESTORE RESTORE
• AVOID AVOID AVOID
• CHUG WINE LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW AND NO HUMANS GROWING INSIDE OF YOU BECAUSE THERE ARE NOT