Note: Though the below might suggest otherwise, I AM staying hopeful and positive that I will someday ‘become a pregnant person,’ as my doctor calls it. I basically just can no longer keep the worry and hilarity of this life phase off of my blog. I’ve tried to keep it off of here, in fear of being over-dramatic or worse, pessimistic, and also just out of respect for the women who have truly been in the thick of this for nine times the amount of days that I have, with greater heartbreak, BUT I MEAN WHY EVEN ELSE HAVE A BLOG / THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT BLOGS ARE FOR / NOW YOU GET TO WORRY ABOUT MY FERTILITY TOO / YOU’RE WELCOME!
At a friend’s wedding, I decide to switch to water, like just for a minute, because Hydration and Headache. Very nice well-intentioned other friend spots me with said glass of water, and I don’t know, maybe a poorly positioned wrap dress? Perhaps a face swollen from baking my feelings and eating them? I don’t know. Her eyes light up like Christmas but with a secret, and she rushes to my side.
Friend (furtively:) Are you pregnant?
Me: What? NO. No no no no no no no no (then, approximately 100 more No’s)
Friend: Oh — God, sorry — I’m so sorry, I just thought —
Me: It’s fine. It’s totally fine. Are you pregnant?
Friend: Um — I don’t think so?
Me: I only ask because recently, it has come to attention that I am the only female person in the entire world and on the entire internet that is not pregnant. Everyone I went to high school and college with, and their bosses and neighbors and friends, and the people who sell them their groceries and their cars, everyone I’ve ever emailed or envied is pregnant. Even the moments I’m not pregnant are pregnant with all of the pregnancies I’m not pregnant with.
Friend: Oh my God. You’re right. I think I’m pregnant. That’s so weird, I wasn’t even trying!
Me: SEE? YOU SEE?!
Friend: Oh God, can I get you some wine?
Me: YES PLZ TEN BUCKETS, AND WITH GREAT HASTE