For the last few weeks, I’ve been dealing with some vertigo and lightheadedness (are those the same thing?) that are potentially being caused by sinus stuff, which has lead me to straight to my LIFELONG SWORN ENEMY, THE NETI POT. I know that there are far more dangerous and interesting adversaries, but for whatever reason, I have always told myself I would NEVER take a tiny whimsical teapot full of salt water and dump and it through my nose. AND YET, HERE WE ARE. And so for those of you who have experienced similar trepidation, here’s a quick how to:

1. Take Neti Pot out of box, stare at it for a few minutes, try and focus on its adorable qualities
2. Read all of the instructions about ten times, focus on the parts that are like ‘if you put the wrong kind of water in in you will permanently burn and scar your nasal cavity’
3. Spend an hour boiling and cooling water so as to not burn or scar or poison or ruin your nasal cavity
4. Fill adorable pot with water, saline packet
5. Stare at it for another ten minutes, brace yourself for what you’re about to do
6. Lean over a sink, tilt your head to the left, stick the thing in your other nostril, pour until ‘a gentle stream starts to come out of the other side’ but really
7. FEEL LIKE YOU’RE DROWNING REALLY IT ALL FEELS LIKE YOU’RE DROWNING AND NOW THE STREAM IS COMING BUT IT’S MORE LIKE A TORTURE DRIP AND OH GOD NOW IT’S COMING OUT OF YOUR EYES, WHAT IS THAT, ARE THOSE TEARS? ARE YOU CRYING SNOT? OH GOD
8. THROW NETI POT ACROSS ROOM
9. WAIT 45 MINUTES
10. REPEAT ON OTHER SIDE