how to know it’s time for new jeans

  • The last time you purchased new jeans was 3 years ago
  • Since then you have quit smoking and slowly, elegantly if not effortlessly, gained fifteen pounds
  • and yet you still shove yourself into the old jeans, which definitely no longer fit, creating a cloud of nihilistic self loathing through which you can no longer even feel the INCREDIBLE SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT OF HAVING QUIT SMOKING
  • no literally you shove yourself into them so much that at the end of the day you don’t so much take them off, as you EMERGE FROM THEM
  • hey maybe get yourself some new jeans
  • (meet my new jeans)

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