Morrison is very, very, VERY good with kids, mostly because he takes them seriously and speaks to them like they’re adults, while at the same time, playing into their imaginations. With me, it’s mostly awkward. (Me: HOW’S YOUR WEEKEND GOING? GET INTO ANY TROUBLE? DO YOU LIKE WINE? AM I TALKING LOUD?) Yesterday, the school where Morrison TA’s had its (CHARMING; INCREDIBLE) spring carnival, and so naturally, we played laser tag in a gym with a bunch of kids. At one point, I looked over and saw Morrison doing a slow motion death-roll on the ground while two little girls in pigtails stood over him, casually shooting him point blank. That fact on its own is NOT EVEN THE BEST PART OF THIS STORY.
Waiting in line to enter, we decided to form an alliance with four other kids. The plan was to hole up behind the big pile of Mats in the Northwest corner of the room. We got our guns, the room went dark, and we ran to our station. But as I lept behind mats next to Morrison, one kid looks at me skeptically.
Kid: Who’s that?
Morrison: It’s okay. She’s safe.
Me (to kid): I’m your wife!
The kid just looks at me.
Kid: Wait, what?
Me: Oh, wait, no, I meant —
Morrison: She’s MY wife.
Me: I’m HIS wife! Hahahaha! You don’t have a wife! That’d be weird. I promise I’m not your wife. Hahahahaha! I’m an adult!
The kid returned to the game, only to turn on me ten minutes later, like this:
Kid: (innocently) How many lives do you have left?
Me: I’m not sure, how can I tell?
Kid: (brightly): Lemmee see your gun!
I hold it out to him, and he SHOOTS ME POINT BLANK.
Me: What the hell?!
Kid: (shrugging) ….friendly fire.
Me: HEY. THAT’S NO WAY TO TREAT YOUR WIFE.