Hawaiians do this beautiful, inevitable thing called Shave Ice that is NOT a slushee but actually shaved ice with sugar water flavors and ICE CREAM INSIDE OF IT ALL (pictured above: mango, pineapple and passion fruit with macadamia nut ice cream inside and a headache three hours later inside of THAT.) All of this is kinda neither here nor there, EXCEPT for the fact that at the Dairy Queen at Yaupon Beach were we went for our family reunion, they had a thing called a Mister Mistee, a slushee with ice cream inside of it, and I dreamt of it and wept for it and when they took it off the menu, I DEDICATED MY LIFE* to finding something like it in the world. Some 22 years later, I can finally rest, cuddled around a macadamia nut at the bottom of this Not Slushee.

* it’s possible I may have also set my sights on 1-7 other accomplishments BUT THIS ONE IS HUGE.