There are many reasons to invent a time machine, including but not limited to stopping my cousin from walking in on me changing into my bathing suit at the family reunion that one time,  murdering Hitler, checking out my Great-grandparents just to see that if it’s true that I’m  genetically pre-disposed to being overweight, and just curiosity, in general. But mostly it’s to BE IN THE PLANTER’S CORPORATE OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM AT THE EXACT MOMENT THAT SOMEONE CAME UP WITH NUT-TRITION.

What happened after the person said it? Was it met with — skepticism? Did anyone say, no, it’s too obvious, it will never work! Or did everyone slap themselves across their own faces and shout WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF IT FIRST? IT’S SO OBVIOUS! IT’S RIGHT THERE! STUPID BARBARA! TWELVE YEARS IN ADVERTISING AND YOU DON’T SEE NUT-TRITION?! Did the person then stand on the conference table, take a long and solemn bow, then retire? Or are they still in an office somewhere, trying to top their last triumph? (HINT TO PERSON:  YOU NEVER WILL)