I am horrified but also sort of delighted to admit that I am currently partaking in a thing called ‘The Bikini Cleanse.’ Basically, you start your day with smoothie for breakfast that kind of tastes like an Orange Julius science experiment. You then drink fish tanks and fish tanks full of water. For lunch you eat some turkey meat wrapped around some cucumber spears. For dinner, you eat a half fist sized of chicken and some ‘fun veggies’. Between meals you sip on Bikini sticks which is basically raspberry flavored crack cocaine dissolved into water that makes you feel like you are naked an on speed and trapped beneath an iceberg in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. After dinner, you get to drink your Bikini Tea, the final detox step that makes your insides go outside of your body.  You of course abstain from sugar / alcohol / snacks and you know, all joy in life. The best / worst part are the daily affirmations. Like on the first day, I had to keep telling myself I was a warrior. Day two, I was FABULOUS. On this fine fourth day, I would like to please amend the affirmations.

Day 1: I am determined

Day 2: I am a cliche

Day 3: I am a murderer

Day 4: I AM SOBBING

Day 5: I am pizza

Day 6: You are pizza too

Day 7: Absolutely everything is pizza

All snark aside, I actually feel pretty great, and I’m fairly certain I’ve lost 10 pounds in four days. BRING ON THE WHITE GOWN AND PASSED TRAYS OF BABY QUICHE!