I hereby declare

BIRTHDAY CAKE FLAVORED POWER BARS ARE THE MOST RIDICULOUS AND RIDICULOUSLY AMERICAN THING THAT CURRENTLY EXISTS AND I AM INCLUDING THE FACT THAT DONALD TRUMP COULD ACTUALLY BE PRESIDENT. I have yet to try one, in fear of falling in love and becoming a girl who subsists only off of Birthday cake flavored power bars and goes around gnawing on them pretending she’s at her own birthday party, and when people ask, what’s that? I shout IT’S A BIRTHDAY CAKE POWER BAR! and the person then asks, wait — but why? and I shout BUT WHY NOT? and the person retorts but that’s just — no and all of the sudden I detect something strange in my bar, old wet cardboard deep in the ‘frosting’ and I run to the bathroom; puke sprinkles and 2 net carbs.

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