As we all (me and my Mom) know, each year, Hallmark makes about 900 new Christmas movies, usually starring some combination of DJ from Full House and Claudia from Party of Five and Dawson from Dawson’s Creek. One could spend the entire month of December curled beneath an afghan watching Claudia from Party of Five fall in love, fight then love then accept the love mostly likely in front of a Christmas Tree and STILL have movies to spare. There are just. So many. FIR REAL.
My mom has complained that they are too predictable, that they follow a formula, that sometimes, she wants to be surprised, and says that I should write one of these Hallmark Christmas films. First thought: NO! How BENEATH me! Je suis une ARTISTE! Second thought: getting paid to develop a myriad of scenarios that employ seasonal puns, in which people fall in love and sometimes those people are related to Santa and sometimes those people are James Van Der Beek? DREAM JOB, OKAY FINE. Point is, these movies have a clear purpose. They are comforting in their simplicity, and they are warm in their cleverness. They are the movie version of a nice seasonal throw. And so, I applaud them.
The Festival of Tights, in which Holly, a beautiful, hardworking 33 year old Jewish woman, owner of a control top panty hose dynasty, must decide what’s more important to her: family, or success because you can’t have both and also Santa is her Dad.
We Wish you a Berry Christmas, in which DJ Tanner must face a hard decision: give up on the berry farm that’s been in her family for generations, and move to the big city to be a personal assistant, or stay and fight the bank for what her parents built and also she makes a pie.
The Second Noel, in which teenage Noel, SICK of living in her big sister Noel’s shadow, decides that this Christmas is all about HER, only to learn that jealousy is toxic and that frosting is really hard to get out of Hair.
Gun Christmas, in which a bunch of people sit around with guns talking about their guns and showing off their guns and trading guns NO WAIT THAT’S JUST CHRISTMAS.
A Christmas Movie for Christmas, in which a hard working movie producer finds the love she never thought she’d find on the set of a Christmas movie about two people finding the love they never thought they would find.
Hallmark call me okaybye.