Me: Print.

Printer:……………

Me:….Print?

Printer: No.

Me:…..okay…..why not?

Printer: you never use me and now you think you can just like, use me, because you’ve decided for once that you need paper? It’s like I’m not even here.

Me: okay, I’m sorry. I see you, and I appreciate you, and also I just really need you to print this script.

Printer: But it’s like what’s the point?  I’m irrelevant.

Me: Hey, that’s not true. (Beat.) It’s kind of true.

Printer: I KNEW it.

Me: It’s not that you’re irrelevant, it’s more like, you have one task. One task. Which is to print things. And you barely capable of doing that. Like every other page you print you suck the paper in and jam up or you’re not detectable or compatible and it’s like, you have ONE TASK.

Printer: I’m doing my BEST.

Me: Okay. Prove it. Print this one thing. Print it. Show me that you can.

Printer: ……..

Me: PRINT.

Printer: okay….I can do this…..

(PRINTER SUCKS UP ALL PAPER AND INKS AND RUINS EVERYTHING.)

Printer: DAMNITTTTT!

Me: Hey. It’s okay.

Printer: One task. I have ONE task.

Me: Take a breather.

Printer: are you going to give me to Goodwill?

Me: (yes) No.