Barista: Hi, how’re you doing today?
Me: Great, I’m great, thank you so much for asking, it’s really nice of you to ask.
Barista: …You’re welcome? What can I get you.
Me: medium iced coffee, extra ice. Not that you don’t know how much ice goes into iced coffee, I’m just being specific so that I don’t have to insult you by asking you after you hand it to me.
Barista:….Okay. Would you like an apple tart with that?
Me: No thank you. But thank you for asking. I know that you have to offer me that, that’s not something you want to say or do, you do not want to be wearing that hat, and in your normal life, when you are not here, you do not wear hats. But it’s in the handbook to suggestively sell and wear hats and so you must.
Me: See I was a barista for years and I want you to know that I know that you hate me right now, you resent me, you wish I’d drown and burn in a vat of steamed soy, and I just want you to know that that’s fine, and that I acknowledge that you are destined for greatness and and seven thousand times better at bracelets or poems or movies or whatever it is that you do, than this.
Barista:….Okay. Room for milk?
Me:…I see you.
Me: Yes. Please.
Barista starts to get drink.
ME: I SEE YOU.
Barista: Please stop.
ME: I WILL NEVER STOP SEEING YOU.