Hairdresser: Hi, what can we do for you today?

Me: yeah, can you do that thing to my hair where it’s kind of lighter on the bottom like you’re kind of like Jared Leto but like less intentional but more like whatever?


Me: Is that a thing? Yeah. That thing that makes you feel special but not like you’re trying to feel special but more like you just like happen to be special.


Me: Yeah the thing that infuses your life with new meaning and confidence and brings you 13% closer to Beyonce.

Hairdresser: you got it. That’ll be seven thousand dollars.

Me: Here is all of the money that I’ve ever owned.

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