Being a member of the Writer’s Guild means health insurance, but also NEVER LEAVING YOUR HOUSE BESIDES WORK BECAUSE WHY WOULD YOU during the months of November and December, because they send you screeners of every movie that’s currently in the theater that you want to see. It’s a huge gift but also distraction but also potential jail time if you are caught loaning out your ‘water marked disk.’ After ten minutes of  ten different screens with threats assuring you that you WILL go to jail were you to loan out your screener, le film begins, reminding you every two minutes that you are not meant to loan out your screener, and there, in the safety of your own living room, eating a humiliating concoction that’s equal parts pasta and parmesan and sriacha, you are transported.

Now I am no film expert and my critique there is fairly limited to Good! and Loud! and Bad! but I will now respond to a few choice screeners with vague phrases and words.

Dallas Buyer’s Club: skinny people are weird. Aids is bad. Oscar bait.

Blue Jasmine: It is possible to feel bad for rich people

American Hustle: Amy Adam’s sideboob

Prisoners: that time when you didn’t know what the movie was about for the first 15 minutes and then you realized what was going to happen, just before it happened, and decided that it was because your dramatists’ brain has matured and you felt quite self-satisfied; whistles.

Lone Survivor: THANK YOU GOD THAT MY BROTHERS ARE STILL ALIVE; too much people falling down hills.

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