A Formal Rebuttal

Few weeks back, I saw this Vice article floatin round facebook: Reasons why Los Angeles is the Worst Place Ever. and it kind of made me mad, because I feel like it’s just griping about things that are just things in Big Hip Cities, in general. Girl (Guy? Jamie? Girl? Guy?)’s got a few valid points, but I must defend this city that I’ve grown deeply fond of. Yes, it’s where my job is, so it might be that I’m The Secreting my experience there, and have adjusted my thinking to have a better time, but really: I Love LA. Loving apologies to the BQE, The Bridge, Huckleberry Bar, The L train, Gimmee, Union Square at Christmas Time, The Sheep’s Meadow, rooftop BBQs and Every time the Empire State Building festively lights up.  I also love somewhere else.

And so, my formal response:

THERE IS DANGER EVERYWHERE.

Here, I have to worry about drive-bys and forest fires and mountain lions and “The Big One” and rattlesnakes and brain-eating parasites and home invasions and fucking TSUNAMIS! Why did someone think it would be a good idea to build a city here?

Yes, but in NYC / London one must constantly worry about getting their shit blown up or getting hit by a car, or getting hit by a car and then blown up. It’s just not a safe world anymore, anywhere.

IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE A NORMAL NIGHT OUT

In London, or New York, or Paris, or any other city on Earth, going out means either walking/taking public transportation to a bar or club, then maybe walking to another place after that, then taking a cab home. This becomes problematic in Los Angeles, because public transportation does not exist. And I’m pretty sure cabs don’t exist, either. This means everyone drinks and drives, and I’m not sure if you’ve seen those ads about it on TV, but drinking and driving is really, really, really not OK. Then, you have to find somewhere to park or pay a bunch of money to valet, and then line up to get in, and then before you know it you just paid $30 to get into a “yoga rave” that’s ten minutes from ending, you’ve forgotten where you parked and, oh shit, you got a ticket. Fun times.

Girl/Guy,  have you heard of uber? It’s an app. Within like 2 seconds, a nice non-murdery man will pick you up in his Prius and take you to your destination for around $10-$15 bucks. Also, have you heard of this thing which is living in a neighborhood that you like and hanging out in that neighborhood? Walking / biking around that neighborhood, patroning its restaurants and bars which, especially on the East Side, are comfortingly similar to the laid back and eclectic vibe of Brooklyn? When you are in NYC, do you go out in Times Square? Why would you? No one’s forcing you to go to that yoga Rave in West Hollywood. Stay local, and if you MUST enter douche territory, take an uber.

THERE IS HIPPIE BULLSHIT ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE

Every time I think I’ve met a normal person, I find out they’re extremely into some kind of new-age nonsense. Did you know that Mercury is in retrograde right now? Me too, and I really, really shouldn’t know that.

True story, but those people are everywhere, perhaps concentrated in LA, but like, change tables or conversations. Go eat a taco. Go for a walk outside. Live your life and let them live theirs.

THERE ARE BROKEN DREAMS EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK

About 90 percent of the people you encounter here are aspiring (i.e. “failed”) actors.

HAVE you walked through midtown or ridden the train there in the middle of any weekday, ever? Sad models on go sees and actors prepping for their one line commercial audition that they won’t be ‘bland’ enough looking for. There are just as many broken dreams everywhere, dude! Actors in LA are just less sad about their broken dreams because they have dogs and yards.

THE RESTAURANTS ARE SO PRETENTIOUS IT’S LIKE A JOKE FROM A REALLY UNFUNNY MOVIE MAKING FUN OF LA

So just don’t go to Cafe Gratitude! I’ve made it nearly a year without setting foot inside. Just don’t GO! EAT A TACO!

PEOPLE THINK IMPROV COMEDY IS FUNNY

…No we don’t.

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