There’s this girl at my gym who, each morning, hits the elliptical in the TINIEST SHORTS IN THE WORLD WITH 73% OF HER BUTT  EXPOSED. I’d show you a picture of it, but I feel like photographing people while they work out is *technically* illegal, so instead, this:

This girl brings out my inner grandma. Every morning I have an imaginary mind conversation with her:

Me: Um, those shorts are really innappropriate.

Girl: No they’re not.

Me: ….I can see all of your. All of it. All. It’s like an American Apparel shrank and died on your body.

Girl: This is just what I wear.

Me: Well could you stop?

Girl: Nope.

Me: Please?

Girl: If you don’t like it, don’t look at it.

Me: I can’t help it. I’m drawn to tragedy.

Girl: You’re fat.

(I run away, in tears.)