Just WHAT does one do with one’s 31st birthday, which is certainly not meant to be a rager of any kind, like 30, and should NOT involve 500 mozzerella sticks, and / or you on sitting on the floor of a bar at 4 am singing shots shots shots shots shots shots to no one in particular?

Am I meant,  instead, to  go to a resort in Palm Springs with Elizabeth Castoria of VegNews and lounge pool side and pay people to scrub at our limbs and bring us guacamole and beverages? WELL, YES. YES I AM.