Flat Stanley

Fanbase, it is totally possible to mail oneself. With the price of air fare going up, and up: risks of terrorism, death by lightning, and old women smuggling on large blocks of cheese disguised as cheese bombs – who wants to fly even? Stamps are cheap, and envelopes are warm and safe.

Okay. No one ever remembers the story of Flat Stanley, but it has stuck with me since my youth. Flat Stanley flattens himself – somehow – can’t remember – (thoughts?) – and mails himself to a destination. Also, I recall, he flattened – and included in the envelope – a flattened jug of a milk, and one flat tuna salad sandwich.

I strangely always remember the sandwich details of stories. Sometimes, I wish that I had thoughts other than Sandwiches.

Flat Stanley looks like this:


Remember yet? WHY AM I THE ONLY THAT REMEMBERS? Anywhoo, with just a quick googling of this flat little fudger, we find that the legend of flat stanley has indeed found new life. There is now a Country-wide educational program named after it’s papered namesake. It encourages kids to practice their writing and communication skills. They send Sir Flats to other kids all over the country, with letters that probably say things like ‘Hi their. My name is Billy. I lick to right.’

Flat Stanley has even made it to the White House, which looked like this:


Apparently, only the President gets to hold Flat Stanley: which makes the man behind him melancholy and paralyzed with jealousy.

Stanley was also given a stern talking to by Ms. Rice. This sounded something like ‘I will cut you, the doll.’ And it looked like this:


In summation: if the children of our country are believing in/utilizing the creative traveling methods of this heterosexual child paper doll boy, why can’t we all?

Mail yourself to me. I dare you. Don’t forget your flattened grilled cheese with little crackers the size of kitten paws. Also, flattened: arrested development on DVD, an iphone, a friendly puppy, soft bedding, and some skittles.

If you are still confused, perhaps it is because you are a ‘musician,’ in which case, I give you this:


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