Re: my recent trip to the beach, of which I am sure you are all peeing yourselves in anticipation of tepid tales: a Brief Report.

Things to be mentioned include:

– A 3 hour long rousing game of flip cup between teams of rowdy, belligerent cousins, ages 17-30, drinking in front of each other for the first time.

– The fact that 4 boy cousins mysteriously disappeared after said game to ‘shoot their guns into the ocean.’ This, of course, summoned all 7 policemen employed on Oak Island, North Carolina, which led to all four boys (including 14 year old Isaac who had never held a gun before) being forced to kneel, and being handcuffed, and being escorte back into their beach house, rousing their belligerently drunk other cousins from their belligerently drunk sleep. Only one gun was confiscated; the perpetrators split the cost of the fine to retrieve it.

– The food I ate. Oh, man. And the things that I drank. Highlights include: deep fried butterfly shrimp and oysters, pulled pork BBQ, ice cream cake, circa 8,000 Heinekens warmed in the sand, buttery baked potatoes, chocolate covered macadamia nuts, trashy ranch dressing, and winefromabox.

-One of the most interesting conversations I have had in a long time: a debate between my cousin Kathryn: a who delivers babies in a hospital in Georgia – for illegal immigrants that hop the border right before they pop out the baby – just so that their baby can get a SS card and free medicaid. (She says, I’m not racist, but I hate the ‘spics.) She’s very convincing, though – all these women come in and feel like they are entitled to all this free stuff – where Kathryn – a US citizen – is working over time and can barely afford to take care of her own two kids. On the other end of the ring was Elli, my other cousin, who works as a Social Worker in DC: and has far more sympathy. She’s seen the living situations of illegal immigrants and has had to remove children from their homes. I kind of sat in the middle with my sandy feet on the counter, with a blank look on my face, patiently absorbing, feeling like a douche for not contributing to the conversation – or to society, at that.

– Also to be mentioned: We have never had a Black Man at our family reunion before. But this year, progression. Note The one black man present, Elli’s date to the large family feast. This looked something like this:


-Finally, Ms. Lilly Pendergrass, age 2, daugther of my cousin Michael. Michael’s my age, and Lilly is the most beautiful little girl in the world.


I spent the majority of the 4 days stalking her around with my camera. I think she actually became frightened of me. I didn’t even manage to get a picture that I really felt captured her beauty, but –


I tried. That’s me, in the corner, unworthy of the frame. Lilly, I salute you and the rest of your life, which will be simple, and full of puberty and compliments. Oh well. This is just what happens to a little girl when her Daddy is a Marine and an Abercrombie Model, which looks like this:


Unfortunately, I did not return with a tan, my singular goal for the excursion, due to the clouds (except for this 2 hour window, pictured above) but I DID gain newfound clincal obsessions with my little loved ones. Priceless.

When she is my age, though: she won’t remember me. I will be was.

In lighter news, I have two new freelance writing jobs, my itunes shuffle has discovered an embarassing re-birth of JoDee Messina. Awesome.

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