I’m gonna put this post up.
People, welcome to back sweat. The kind that makes your summer dress/girlfriend’s Tshirt/bad H&M ‘grown up’ clothes stick menacingly to your region. And need I even mention its evil cousin, the sweaty butt? Ew. Riding public transit, the smell is potent, and people are pissed.
Loyal fanbase: know this about me. I HATE BEING HOT.
I hate what it does to my hair, my optimism, my underwear, my outlook, my upper lip, the air, my shoes, iced coffee, everybody else. The effects of Hot on all these Things are Negative.
It is 93 degrees today. That is a 5 away from the musical stylists of the days of yore, and 7 away from hell. Also – there is an ‘Ozone Warning’ – the past few days, the News Personalities have been warning people with asthma to STAY INDOORS. I promptly called the one asthma ridden friend I have and she promised to wear a mask.
So, Mr. Ozone Warning. Who are what are you? I feel compelled to understand. I mean, I understand it as I walk the two feet from my house to the train and by the time I arrive – after practically canoeing there through thick wet air – ew – I am already a wet rat – I understand it THAT way. But what does it REALLY mean?
Let’s see what wikipedia has to say.
Wikipedia says that the Ozone is ‘is a triatomic molecule, consisting of three oxygen atoms. It is an allotrope of oxygen that is much less stable than the diatomic species O2. Ground-level ozone is an air pollutant with harmful effects on the respiratory systems of animals. On the other hand, ozone in the upper atmosphere protects living organisms by preventing damaging ultraviolet light from reaching the Earth’s surface.’
Oh – Okay.
The Ozone layer does not have a myspace page.
Maybe this is why I feel like I do not understand it.
No, but I do know this – so learn this from my musings – the Ozone is a Good Thing AND a Bad thing. ‘Good Up high, Bad Nearby.’ I remember that. From my youth.
But on the for serious, People, as much as I struggle to and DO NOT really understand this problem – I do realize the severity of it – so I ride my bike. I do my part. I think. Everyone: ride bikes.
Here is a picture of Steve trying to Steal my bike.
Back to the environment. It really is disturbing – if you think about it – the way the climate is gradually shifting. The three years I’ve lived in New York now – fall-winter comes later and later. It doesn’t get truly cold until January-ish. It’s shifting.
There’s a guy that stands and the 6 Ave L Stop with a laptop playing An Inconvenient Truth. He just stands there. People ignore him. Well, okay, people tend to ignore anyone standing in a train station with anything but – it’s like how smokers ignore the hole-in throat- guy – things that are terrifying seem to only exist in THEORY for us – because we really don’t want to believe they are real. Terrifying things seem far away and not immediate.
I think in the future, there will be giant amusment parks in domes where people will go to play Winter Sports and roust about in the snow. Cold sports will be an exclusive, expensive thing.
In closing, I can’t just paint a bleak portrait of the world and not offer adorable, specific solutions to this hot hot heat.
1. Take peach sorbet and mix it into a really cold glass of Chardonnay. Stir and enjoy.
2. Run an extremely cold bath, grab a roommate/loved one/imaginary friend/THE NEW MIRANDA JULY BOOK, throw on your bathing suit, grab some beers, and hop in. Stay there. For forever.
3. Avoid excessive cuddling. Your partner will understand.
4. Wear as little clothing as possible, while still remaining acceptably cloaked for your profession. Don’t be one of those bitches who wears jeans and sweaters when it’s 90 outside. I don’t care how tiny you are, there is NO way you are cold.
5. Steer clear of anything Stew or Soup-like in nature.
Tommorrow, Claire Danes. Friday: the world.