Since having Joe, I’ve been a real journey trying to find pants that fit. More like post-PANTSdum amiright? ANYONE? ANYONE? I have searched low and high, I have tread from the sale sections at at Macy’s that’s two seconds from closing down to a West Village store that smells of French candles and sells five things. I have tried on five dollar pants, I have tried on two hundred dollar pants. I have reached for the largest size pant, held it out and thought, there is no way this pant won’t fit me, I have stood half naked in dressing rooms, said paints trapped around my thighs. I have googled and cursed and cried. I emerge bravely from my quest with a few pairs that fit, namely these and also these, and a few tips.
DON’T:
- Try and put on a pant that you wore before you had your baby.
- Try and put on jeans. Why would you do that to yourself? WHY? When you’re at the grocery store and you see the pile of massive russet potatoes, are THEY wearing jeans? No. Why would you wear them? WHY? Don’t even try.
- Attempt to put on any pair of pant that might, say, make your husband or partner actually find you attractive, like a skinny pant.
DO:
- start two sizes too big
- look for floppiness
- hunt for elastic, waists that tie
- go for anything that makes you look like an old Asian woman selling fresh oysters by the beach
- anything that screams DEPRESSION ERA ORPHAN or RAILROAD CONDUCTOR, reach for these pants
- Don’t give up
- Never give up
- if you hold it out in front of you and the pant feels like the size of a tent, like you will drown in them, that is probably the right size for you, you POTATO
- LITERALLY, YOU SHOULD BE SCALLOPED