LIES
- TRIES TO BE PLANT PERSON
- ROUTINELY KILLS 80% OF PLANTS PURCHASED, DESPITE BEST (MEDIOCRE) EFFORTS
- GETS TARGETED BY, AND SUCCUMBS TO, INSTAGRAM AD FOR A COMPANY CALLED ‘EASYPLANT’ FEATURING SELF-WATERING TECHNOLOGY, LIKE REALLY THEY ARE THE ROACHES OF PLANTS, YOU HAVE TO TRY VERY HARD TO KILL THEM
- SPENDS SO MUCH MONEY ON EASYPLANT
- EASYPLANT ARRIVES
- WITHIN DAYS, ‘EASY’PLANT IS WILTING AND BROWN, NOT DEAD BUT NEARLY, GASPING FOR WATER AND LIGHT
- REALIZES THERE IS NOT EVEN TIME TO EMAIL EASYPLANT CUSTOMER SERVICE OR TO GIVE THIS PLANT CPR OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO WITH PLANTS, DO YOU TELL THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND THAT YOU WANT THEM TO LIVE?
- GIVES UP FOREVER