Cousin Elli — who works in Child Protection for the FBI, so is an FBI agent? Yes? Is that how it works? — texted last night with an apology for missing Pete’s wedding, and it was perhaps one of the most baller excuses I’ve seen. She was, you know, rescuing children from an underground prostitution ring, like you do.
Never again will I say ‘sorry I was not at your thing, I tried to make it’ or ‘I needed a night in’ or ‘I had to get my romper hemmed’ or ‘I really needed to connect with my crockpot’ or ‘I didn’t want to go because I don’t really like you and I feel like our friendship is based upon mirrors and lies.’ ELLI WINS ALL OF THE EXCUSES FOR THE REST OF FOREVER. Thank you cousin for doing what you doooooo!