Age is just a number, declared the woman as she turned 39, somehow still in her middle thirties, as middle thirties in fact last until the very last second of the day before you turn …
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39.99999999
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my brand
I have a brand, or maybe it’s my essence? Or a pattern? It’s Whimsical Food Accidents. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve stained myself or my clothes or an important document in some …
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there’s no u in mom
I returned yesterday from my sojourn VERY excited to see Joe. I missed him like he was a new boy I was dating who’s just learning how to eat food. I thought about him constantly …
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THIRST
Me, walking around my neighborhood in my new favorite T-shirt, as I pass any neighbor: HI! GOOD MORNING! Neighbor: (barely audible, with a tired smile): …Morning. Me: GOOD MORNING! DO YOU SEE MY SHIRT? Neighbor …
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the Look
May I please direct your attention to baby Morrison, center, serving me the EXACT look he gives me every time I repeat myself, ask him when the new refrigerator door is coming and has he …
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two cakes
(inspired by a true story) If I’d known you were coming I’d a baked a cake Then attempted to flip the cake out of its pan with a 25 lb baby strapped to me so …
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if you teach a baby to drink
I want to apologize for the lack of diversity of content on my blog for the last…nine months? But I also know that if you slice open my brain my right now, out would seep …
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magic words
Prospective new babysitter, in interview: That all sounds great! Is there anything else you would like me to do while I’m there? Like would you like me to empty the dishwasher? I ACTUALLY tear up. …
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Ball
Joe, quite innocently and suddenly, one morning: …Ball. Morrison: GET IN HERE. JOE SAID A WORD, HE SAID BALL. I run into the room like the rest of the house is on fire. Morrison, to …
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More Steaks
MARK MY WORDS: when I’m old and gray and have created many TV shows and movies, and no longer care what people think of me, no longer burn the bulk of my calories trying to …